A light exists in spring
Not present on the year
At any other period.
When March is scarcely here
A color stands abroad
On solitary hills
That science cannot overtake,
But human naturefeels.
It waits upon the lawn;
It shows the furthest tree
Upon the furthest slope we know;
It almost speaks to me.
Then, as horizons step,
Or noons report away,
Without the formula of sound,
It passes, and we stay:
A quality of loss
Affecting our content,
As trade had suddenly encroached
Upon a sacrament.
by Emily Dickinson
When dark and light are balanced and springtime begins to be a reality.
I am feeling the pull to be in the garden. Yet this weird dance the Sygogglin’ Skewwhiff and I are engaged in makes me wonder if it’s possible. Last year Zoie and Lori helped me, we had a lovely garden, then I let it fall apart from neglect when I crashed.
That fucking wall. You’re ok and life’s good. A flare hits and you’re out. Really out. There’s no bootstrap you can pull up. The big girl panties won’t do it either. One foot won’t reach in front of the other. And the garden goes to hell.
You wind up in a place where the good days are the exception. When we aren’t well, we tend to stay home.. even close friends only see us on our good days, really our best days. This causes quite the conundrum. If people never see us sick, if we hide it from them, how are they to know? I guess it’s just human nature to … well.. to just plain not get it.
My friend is in that place right now. She wonders if her friends really get it. Of course we don’t. No matter how empathetic we are, if we’ve never hit the wall, we just can’t know what that feels like. She’s teaching me how to live gracefully and authentically with this .. this thing that is my body fighting to destroy itself.
Tomorrow evening the meditation group we belong to will be celebrating the Equinox by doing 108 oms together. We call ourselves Sacred Sanctuary, but it isn’t just a name. This group is sanctuary for all of us, and tomorrow we will meet at her house. If Mohammed can’t get to the mountain..
My heart is full knowing that we love each other enough to take that support.. that sanctuary.. to a friend who can’t get to us.
I’m feeling way more balanced today, stronger. Skyler and I cleaned house this morning until she cut her finger and had to go get stitches.. three! She’s calling everyone she knows to tell her war story. This danged AIP Diet is dangerous. She was cutting up carrots for a snack, it’d never have happened opening a Twinkie!
Love from the holler, Nancy